Evie’s secret plan to take over planet

When daughter Evie was younger she confounded her teacher by refusing to recognize the existence of the number 13.

No, she wasn’t superstitious, like those hotel and condominium owners who skip from floor 12 to 14.

No, she wasn’t forgetful.

No, she wasn’t handicapped by some mathematical deficiency.

Evie simply couldn’t pronounce “13” so she decided to omit it.

This, of course, complicated matters when it came to calculation and it left her teacher in a quandary. The teacher had never faced a child quite like this.

Evie won’t ask for a life preserver until bubbles are rising from the sunken boat at the bottom of the sea.

And be careful if you throw her a line without her asking for it.

But in case a situation ever becomes hopeless she has developed an escape hatch.

“When life gives you smoke,” she says, “make smoke signals.”

I thought her new saying might parallel the adage about making lemonade when life gives you a lemon, but with Evie you can never be sure so I asked for clarification.

“What do you mean,” I asked, “by sending smoke signals?”

“Dad!” she answered in a tone that made me sound foolish for having to ask. “It means if you need help, ask for it.”

But when it comes to admitting that she needs help Evie won’t follow her own advice.

Despite her mother and I insisting on proper grammar at home, you can’t convince Evie that people don’t get “strucken” by lightning.

This has been the subject of several sharp exchanges between Evie and her older sister. Evie sticks to her guns. “Strucken” might not appear in any respectable dictionary, but she has officially approved it for the English language.

The 9-year-old is determined to control her life and everyone around her. We suspect she has a secret plan to take over planet Earth.

She came home from school recently excited about an activity in physical education called Quiet Mouse Yarnball Dodgeball.

Evie said she likes to be the game monitor. If someone talks, she gets to tap him on the shoulder and eliminate him from the game.

“I have all the power!” she explains.